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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
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Woah! Would you look at this! A haircut can cause miracles I say. I was just thinking about things...About myself..I realized that I am not as ugly as I have taught myself to believe. There are almost just as many things that I don't mind about myself as there are things that I dislike. Maybe I'm not the most worthless pile of shit in the world. Yay!
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Wow. So I come on msn and sams all crying and such...Said that terence wants to break up with her.. well actually all the email said was their phone call and terence was like "this is too hard' and she said "do you want to wait till may" thats when they see ecahother. anyways shes all upset because she doesnt want to break up with him but then she does... she says she wants to wait until she sees him..probably so they can just screw around one last time. her msn name is all sad "i dont want this to end...what did i do wrong?" well i'll tell you, she just told me that she cheated on him like 6 times. i'm really disappointed because shes my best friend and i woulda wanted her to tell me...and because you know i really thought she would have had more self control then that..like really. i dont know. then tj and gj came over and comforted her. at that time i kind of got jealous because...i miss those guys so much. they actually got to hug her. and talk to her. i get the fucking computer and sometimes the phone. fuck. then i feel bad becaus ei'm always like saying how much i hate eveyrbody here but really i have a couple awesome girls, that i love soo much. then i get guilty because i think of the people who i am like kind of friends with..and how much i would miss them if they were gone..just like chelsea..its the people that you hang out with and have fun with but you know the memories are still there, its still good times. i dont think any of that makes sense so i'm gonna try and reword it. They're my friends, but sometimes I just don't think they are. They're the people that, I'll be with if I can't have my other friends. I don't hate them, I just don't love them like I do my other friends. But they are still MY FRIENDS. i sometimes think that I need to value them a lot more..absorb them if you will. Who knows , they could be taken away from me just like that...Just like chelsea.
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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
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| Time: | 11:08 pm. |
| Mood: |  cold. | | Music: | Classical music.. |
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i like it when my mom goes away because then i can cry as loud as i want.
it says 11:11 and ooh i'm supposed to make a wish well i cant exactly get what i would WISH FOR
i've never cried until i had a headache before..guess you learn something new every day.
science fair...science test..dancing comps...music festival...LA so much shit....
Do I give a flying rats ass? The answer is no.
Classical music calms me down.
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| Time: | 10:15 pm. |
| Mood: |  pessimistic. | | Music: | Ruthless - Something Corporate. |
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If anyone ever read this they would probably think I'm a psycho depressed girl. I only write when I feel psycho and depressed so screw you. Its 3 months tomorrow. 3 Months?! THATS IT? Sometimes it seems like it was yesterday. I remember the month of January so vividly. Other times it feels that I havent seen her in such a long time..years. And if it feels like this after 3 months, hows it gonna feel when it has been years? Am I gonna forget? I will never allow myself to forget about her. Sometimes I get such a range of emotions towards her... I get so upset, I get angry, sometimes I even get jealous that she got to leave here. That is if there is a heaven. Is there a God? How can one person prove that there is a God? Its just a question that will never be answered. I feel like I'm getting sick again. More breathing problems. Thats only good. I only get them when I think too much. I wish I was really stupid so I couldnt comprehend anything. Fuck life.
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Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
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| Subject: | Bah |
| Time: | 12:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  sad. | | Music: | She Will be Loved - Maroon 5. |
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I was in a good mood today but then stupid George drew a stupid picture. Jordon asked me out. So he decided to make a picture and it makes fun of both of us. Hes stuipd. I really really really miss chelsea right now... God I miss her.
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Man I am such a freak. Nobody is on msn. I'm like dependant on msn its my main source of entertianment..Well what else am I suppose to do? I live on a farm its not like I can randomly go see people or go out anywhere. TV is boring and I dont have any "hobbies" so whatever. I dont really care. I just hope tonight more people are on so I don't feel so stupid. I shoulda went to Terences today. Could have watched movies. At least I would've been doing SOMETHING. We have to plan that stupid video thing. Thats what I'll do. It probably wont end up being as funny as I want it to be because I'm not funny. Whatever.
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| Time: | 11:32 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. |
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I don't know what to do with myself. No one cares, no one knows. I don't care. I'm stupid and selfish and I think I've honestly gone crazy. I havent really been bad lately but I think just the mix of sleep deprivation, anxiety breathing problems, fucking dancing, PIANO , and school, WITH A MIX OF OTHER THINGS I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT, I've just....lost it. What am I supposed to do? Breathe I guess. For now anyways.
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Friday, January 28th, 2005
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| Subject: | Why? |
| Time: | 1:07 am. |
| Mood: | sad. | | Music: | Not What It Seems - Something Corporate. |
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The tears that cover my face may dry
But I'm crying a river for you inside
I wasn't even having a bad day. I wrote one exam, big deal. I spent the rest of the day watching movies at terences. I was being a hermit on msn, I was looking for a picture to send someone and then BANG her picture pops up. The one on the funeral card. I lost it. I started crying again. I think I realized why I don't understand why people love me..I figure, if God really loved me he wouldn't have taken her away. It's like sometimes...everything seems so normal again, its like I imagined it all. I guess inside I just wish it were like that so much that I kinda start to believe it. Then reality hits and I just get out of control. Eh. I think I'll go watch some mindless TV.
Wish upon a shooting star
But wishes only go so far
My blackened heart is filled with fear
For my only wish is for you to be here
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Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
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I had no idea this was going to be so publicized. I have mixed feelings about it though. Obviously it puts you back into the whole depression state because you're forced to think about everything and deal with everything again, but I do believe that in Travis' case that bullying was a major issue. In the school, yes, but also outside of the school. I've heard so much stuff, Canora is a huge rumour mill already, so now I don't even know what to believe. I do however believe that in Travis' case the issue was brought up to the school more then once. Theres so many fucking assholes in this town, whenever they pass by Travis's friends they make a gun with their fingers and pretend to pull the trigger, and they just smile. I really REALLY don't understand how people can be so inconsiderate that it just makes me wanna shoot them! No, I can't say that. That would kind of make me just like them. Sometimes I almost forget that Chelsea is gone, I get almost happy. Last night Jaimie came over.. We were having a good time but every so often she was just compelled to look at Chelseas funeral card. She was getting all depressed so I took it away and just told her that it wasnt fair for us or for chelsea for us to be sad. She wouldn't want us to feel so bad. I believe it though.. We saw "White Noise" in the theatre yesterday, scared the shit outta me. In more ways then one. It was all about people who die and try to communicate with their past loved ones. Ah. Anyways I gotta go shovel snow on the deck now, YAY!.
OH yeah, the whole point of me writing today is to say that CTV was all at the school and Travis' mom got the media all set up and its crazy and finals are coming up so they sure as hell better not destract us. Theres that big town council meeting tomorrow. I think me and jaimie are gonna go, because its public so they can't really force anyone out can they? I'm sure there will be cameras and media galore, since it was top story on the CTV provincial 6:00 news on thursday or whatever. Also in 3 papers somewhere, national post, leader post, and the star pheonix. I want to read them all. I think mom doesnt want me to get to into everything, but how can I not? Anyways the media will probably blow everything out of porportion and then the teachers who actually give a shit will end up getting fired or something. I am curious to see what goes on this week. I guess we'll find out.
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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
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| Time: | 10:56 pm. |
| Mood: | pessimistic. | | Music: | Wake Up - three days grace. |
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put a smile on your face although the pain won’t be erased an illusion may appear that what you’re showing is sincere
I made that up, its on my msn name but i will have to change it depending who is online. i cant save it on my computer beacuse i think my mom was snooping. oh well. everything sucks. boo.
2 weeks tomorrow. 4:12.
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Friday, January 14th, 2005
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| Time: | 3:00 pm. |
| Mood: |  chipper. | | Music: | 867-5309!. |
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Cant touch this. ITS THE EYE OF THE TIGER !!! 867-5309! I wonder how much that number. I have lots of mood swings. Sometimes I am really happy, I like like that! I used to get guilty about being happy but now I don't force myself. Its better this way. If I have some time to be happy then I will. (867-5309) Basketball was canceled. I'm gonna get a 6pack man. I'm not that fat I just gotta get rid of my mini-ponch. I can do'er. Anywho this site reminds me of shit so I'm gonna wrap er up. Later. (867-5309) I think some people dont want to hang out with me because I'm like depressed. Oh well!
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Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
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I wrote her a letter. I had to put it in her casket. It was open. The funeral was horrible. I'll write about the whole experience and I will save it, but I can't right now. It hurts too much. I just feel like I am sad all the time. Life seems so pointless. I am kind of going to turn this into as if I am talking just to her..Doesnt matter because no one reads this anyway.
Chelsea, There are no words to describe how much I miss you. Every day in every class I look at your empty desk and feel like crying, all over again. Sometimes I just get so sad that I can't even cry anymore. You always complimented me. You loved crimping your hair and you said I looked so good when mine was curly. I wore my hair curly today, and no one said one thing. I don't think I'll have it curly anymore. When I was at terences I thought of you because I saw his walkie-talkies and I remember how you started bringing your brothers from school in December, and you would always give one of them to me and we would talk to eachother on them while we wandered around the school. I'd be like "Chelsea look behind you!" and sometimes I would be there and other times I would just trick you so you would look crazy always checking behind you. You brought them to school on the last day before holidays. December 22nd. That was the last time I ever saw you. We walked around the school talking to eachother. I gave mine to Tina or she took it away from me. I didn't mind because you were better friends with her anyway. When we went Christmas caroling that day Tina was in the backseat and you in the front, close to the teacher and Tina was bugging you about like some "Stash"..just to get the teachers attention. I remember when Travis died you were all going to get wasted. I never understood why but now I do. I would rather live my life being constantly high or drunk then going through this pain everyday of missing you. I'm slowly realizing that every sentence I write or say about you is going to start with "I remember". That hurts so much. I'm never going to believe that your gone. Theres always a piece inside of me expecting you to just walk or dance around the corner and even as I type this I look around the room for you. Its like maybe if I pray hard enough or don't stop thinking about you then you will. That would be my miracle. Its all I ask. I don't think I can believe in miracles. I can't cry right now because mom isn't asleep so I will just hold it in. I don't know if I am ever going to be happy again. I light a candle for you. I will try to light it every night. Its by the roses and the "Angel of Rememberance" That I got. I will take that stuff upstairs and I will stand your memorial card from your funeral next to it, and the rose that your mom gave me from the bouquet of flowers that was on your casket as you were being lowered to the ground in the cemetary. I will tear out the page that has what you wrote to me in our "friendship books". It will be your little shrine. I will always remember you Chelsea and I miss you so much that it hurts so bad that I just want to die.
Whats keeping me from doing the same thing? I really don't know. I guess that because in the future I know I would regret even thinking about killing myself. I couldn't have my mom feel that pain. She would blame herself until the day she died. She already thinks she is a bad parent for some reason. I love her a lot and just last night I had a dream that she was dying. I was watching her take her last breaths and then I woke up. I hope I don't have anymore nightmares.
I love you Chelsea.
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Thursday, January 6th, 2005
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Chelsea died. She was declared braindead and the family pulled the plug on Wednesday morning. Wednesday we spent the day crying. By the end of the day people seemed almost over it. This morning I just couldnt go to classes, I was scared everybody would be back to normal. I skipped first and second period and during third I just sat there. All we did that class was plan on what to do for the funeral. We made a book for her and are sending flowers. I went to Terences for lunch with some others. We skipped 4th and came back for 5th because we wanted to write in the book. I've pretty much decided that I go through 3 stages that repeat themselves. Depression/Sadness, then to anger, and then I am fine for a bit. I can't sleep at night so I take whatever amount of Nyquil is needed. I hate this. Things will never be the same.
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Monday, January 3rd, 2005
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Yeah, I dont know when the last time I wrote was. This town is so messed up. So yeah, a couple weeks before Christmas a student in my school commited suicide. He was in grade 11. I wasn't even friends with him but it hit me pretty hard for some reason. Anyways, so New Years eve I was at my friends house and we were all having a good time playing pee spoons.. I had just had 2 huge cups of water and already had to pee. Anyways, kaitlyn got a phone call from her sister..before she was even through it she was crying..anyways she hung up the phone and told us it was her sister and...one of our friends had just shot herself in the head. She apparently was still alive, and was flown to a nearby city. We spent the rest of that night crying and then just went to sleep. I've heard so many different stories about her current condition that I dont know what to believe. They have her in a drug endused coma and today apparently all the surgeons are coming.. (plastic surgeons, neurosurgeons)..Apparently the bullet shattered in her head and there are peices all over.. I dont know if they are in her brain or just the tissue around her brain. Half her face is....pretty much wrecked. She lost her left eye, and they will have to reconstruct her mouth. Why is my town fucked up you ask? I live in a town of a population of 2400. The high school is grades 5-12. There has been 2 suicides in one year, and this one would have been the 3rd. And it would have been 2 in December. The bullying problem in our school is so horrible. So is the drug problem. Do the teachers not know or do they just turn their sholder? For the last suicide some "crisis team" came in and told us how we were feeling, or how we were suposed to feel. "Take a long relaxing bubble bath", and yeah, that does help, but its not gonna resolve the problem. They quietly tiptoed around the big "s" word and left with their number on the board. Yeah, I'm over-emotional and probably overreact to everything, but so what? I am just freaking out inside about this whole thing. I need to go to school, and be with my friends. If she makes it, which I pray she does, no one can try to minimize the point that she wanted to be dead. It just makes me think, how many people have thought about their own suicides? Even tried it? I know that the thought has popped up in my mind a few times. Do they realize? Maybe our school just burn down or something, and everyone in it. It just seems people would be happier that way. My mom is all smotheing me and trying to get me to talk.. "Should we move honey?!" Well, obviously I hate this place, but I can't leave. It'll be worse to just leave everything and everyone behind, and start all over. I need to be with my friends. I cant wait for school tomorrow. Even if I jsut sit there and cry. I dunno. I wrote a poem too. played a lot of music. Yeah it helped. Blah.
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Thursday, December 9th, 2004
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Ugh. Yeah so this guy in grade 11 commited suicide. What fun. What the fuck is wrong with my town? It has like 2500 people in it and within the last year there have been 2 teen suicides. I feel like shit. I barely knew the guy, but it has got me thinking about so many other things. My town is depressing, my school is depressing. I have to be fake on the outside so teachers dont notice me and send me to talk to some crazy counselors. I got approached by 2 teachers already, one of em was like "Paige, I was wondering if you would like to talk to some of the Mental Health people we have here.. I just read your response journal and you sound like me, and I just tlaked to them and I feel much better" and the other one was like "Hey paige..you alright? are you dealing with this okay?" and that one was my big math guy teacher.. You know the big teddybear ish type thats always happy. Whatever, I'll just have to hide myself better.. I hate it, this shield won't last forever. Ooh. Msn name. I just feel hopeless. I hate going to school, but if I sit at home I'll just get all worked up inside some more. I'll just continue having the little outbreaks every once in a while. Hopefully things will get better after Christmas. Theres what like.. 9 days of school left? 8? I can handle that. Then I'll eat my feelings and get fat. I hate lite. My moms all like "Do you want to move?" And I dont really know what to say.. I mean, I hate it here.. I barely have any REAL friends, even though people may perceive me as the happy popular girl. Maybe they are starting to see through that now. Starting to see who I really am? I dont even know that. I think I will just draw back socially for a while. Hopefully no one will notice. Maybe I'll like draw something. Oops, I have no talent. I could write? But then someone would find it. Whatever. This is all gonna catch up with me someday and I'll end up going crazy. Right now I dont care. Ooh I should go to bed, but I'm not gonna. Not like I"ll sleep anyway. And its friday tomorrow, who cares. So what else is getting me down? My looks, but thats no surprise. Superficial, so what. I would give anything to be pretty. Beautiful. Not like its gonna happen though. Maybe I should like resort to drugs or something. Make me happy. I would just like to be happy all around. Ugggggh. Isnt this supposed to help me feel better? Its not. Whatever. Off to..I dunno what I'm gonna do. Oh well.
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Thursday, November 4th, 2004
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I feel the need to put these lyrics on here, this song seems to describe me PERFECTLY!
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
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Quite the complicated life I have. Well to one persons eyes, it wouldnt seem like that at all, but I suppose it is just pety typical teen problems.
I liked this guy, we ALLMOST had a "thing", but when he asked me out, I wasn't too sure so I said "maybe", and he took it as a no. Then he just got scared of me, as I grew to like him more. Now, the person I kind of have an eeeensy crush on, is going out with my best friend! She moved and now lives 5 hours away , so that doesnt help the situation. I feel that I pretend to like everyone, I have no real friends here. I have 2 guys that are my friends, one of them being the boy I have an eeensy crush on. Its so tiny, I dont think it counts as a crush. The other one is this guy that is JUST a friend, I have no other feelings towards him at all. Those 2 are in my class so I am pretty much with them all day. When I am out of school, or its recess or something, there is always the little "clique" of happy preppy girls, which perhaps I am perceived of one of them, it will be sucessful if I am, because then that would mean I would be hiding my true feelings properly. Anyways as I was saying, when I am out of school or recess or something, I usually hang out with Nicole...she is getting pretty annoying lately, because once you befriend her, shes very very clingy. Anyways, the guy that I am friends with apparently likes Nicole..I am getting really sick of her though, but I fear that he will want her to come into our little "group". I would not like that because
1) I enjoy being the only girl
2) Shes really on my nerves.
Bah!
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Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
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I can say whatever the fuck I want on here so HERE I GO BITCHES! My nose overwhelms my face. It is a fucking monster. Honestly, All of my low self esteem problems are caused by this nose. I can't stand it! I would be HALF DECENT looking if it wasnt for this. I'M A FUCKING WITCH! My nose HANGS off my face it goes farther then my chin and lips and everything. I hate myself. I am getting a nose job once I am rich, or not even! I will spare university to get rid of this piece of shit. TIME FOR KNIFEY!!
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Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
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69 Questions about yourself
What’s your…
Name? Paige
Nickname? Francis Fing Fing, Paigey, too many to name
Birthday? June 19
Age? 14
Zodiac Sign? Gemini
Hair colour? brown
Eye colour? Brown
Height? 5'3?
Best Feature? Pinkie?
Worst Feature? Everything else
What’s your favourite…
Colour? Red
Number? 8?
Food? Perogies, noodles, etc etc
Drink? CHOCOLATE MILK!
Body Part? BELLYBUTTON!
T.V. Show? Canadian Idol, Simpsons, Big Brother, OOH DEGRASSI!
Movie? Don't really have one
Radio Station? Haha 101.1!
Song? I like that one right now I dont know what its called but me and Sam were singing it (CRABS IN THE BUCKET?!)
Book? Eh, this one i bought in the summer.. Called gingerbread?
Who’s your favourite…
Actor? Ashton Kutcher, he's hot.. Or wait Joaquin Pheonix.. He played "Merill" on signs and some other guy in this other movie
Actress? Halle Berry
Band? Billy Talent? Black Eyed Peas? No Doubt?
Singer? Eh...
Author? Nothing specific comes to mind
Have you ever…
Went skinny-dipping? nope
Had a dog hump your leg? haha no
Seen someone really old in a bathing suit? ugh yes, I live in Canora , everyone is old
Eaten something expired/moldy? Probably
Stolen anything? Yeah
Climbed a tree? Of course
Called 911? No
Mooned/Flashed anyone? Haha yeah! OOPS KARA
Sleepwalked? Think so
Punched anyone? Brothers
Choose…
Chocolate or Vanilla? MMmmm..
Night or Day? Night
Summer or Winter? Summer
Spring or Autumn? Autumn
Paris Hilton or Nicole Ritchie? A mix of both!
Hugs or Kisses? Hugs
Brunette or Blonde? Brunette
Cats or Dogs? Cats
Sunset or Sunrise? Sunset
Los Angeles or Hawaii? Hawaii
Are you a(n)…
Mean Person? No
Private Person? Yep
Generous Person? Maybe?
Empathetic Person? I guess
Sympathetic Person? Yeah
Sensitive Person? Yeah
Intelligent Person? Eh..
Happy Person? Eh..
Dirty Minded Person? Haha yes, its great fun
Considerate Person? Yeah
Do you ever…
Wonder if anyone is thinking about you? Yes! Paranoia PARANOIA!
Daydream about the future? All the time
Have nightmares about people you know? Not lately
Think about what life would be like if you had a genie? Ooh yes that would be great
Think about what it would be like to be famous? yes Because I WILL be famous
Would you ever…
Go bungee-jumping? Maybe...
Kiss someone disgusting to prove you’re not chicken? Probably not
Tell a teacher that he/she is sexy? Ew, No.
Moon/Flash anyone? Probably
Do you hate…
Britney Spears? No
Rap Music? No
People who wear their pants half way down their butt? I laugh at them.
People with (noticeably) fake boobs? Also laugh at them
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Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
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I've decided I'm fat. Ugh, I had decent thoughts about my stomach before, but lately I've just had this STUPID little gut that is really bugging me. Need a flat stomach. I want to go on a diet, but I know I won't be able to stick to it because I love food SO MUCH! Food is a passion. I wonder what any kind of alternatives there are? Binge and purge! No, no that is wrong, screw up my whole system. I could just try the wicked crunches where you do situps and put your legs up too, but those hurt! I am so out of shape. And fat. And ugly. Hahah Fatty!
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
paigey90's journal
refreshed.
bored.
blank.
stressed.
indifferent.
thirsty.